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CrazyDiamond94's avatar
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Literature Text

The gates are now open
I am vulnerable, I am broken
I am whole, I am me
This is who I am
Fear not, it’s all in my mind.

Beautiful blue eyes
Charming and sultry smile
Ignites my glum heart

The darkness inside
Devours me from within
Hope is all but lost

The future watches
Over me like a haunting
Shadow that looks grim

High thoughts bring my mind
To think of incredible
Ideas for food

I wish my body
Looked radically different
From what they all see

The affections you
Have sparked within me, torture
My frail mind each day

The harder we work
The more inferior I
Feel that I become

A content state of
Being is a rarity
For my doleful life

The wind is like a
Blanket that refreshes my
Soul with clarity

Discussion is by
Far the best therapy there
Is for tortured minds

And now, the doors slammed shut
You’ve seen but a glimpse
Not a whole, but pieces
Put the puzzle together and
You’ll learn of the nature of me.
This is a highly experimental poem compared to the rest of my poetry. Usually my poetry is very much free verse with little structure.

I like to call this a "progression haiku" piece.

It follows progression of unrelated haikus that work together as a conceptual piece. The collection of haikus illustrate my range of emotions of the time these were written. It's very raw, emotional, honest, and is not perfect. It's very stream-of-consciousness, it's different.

Each haiku follows the 5-7-5 pattern, and each one embodies a different state of being/emotion/feeling/realization/etc. The first and last stanzas merely serve as opening and closing sections to frame the piece as a whole.

Questions:
1. Does each haiku being different work for the piece?
2. Does the piece as a whole feel disjointed?
3. Do the phrases in the individual haikus work?
4. Have you read anything like this before? Is this too experimental?

Information for
Written Revolution

My critique:
[link]
(In comments)
© 2013 - 2024 CrazyDiamond94
Comments3
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LatyreDKaos's avatar
Firstly, I will say that on the whole I found it quite a strong piece, and one that I enjoyed reading. I've been long away from poetry, so I will apologize in advance if I cannot critique as well as you deserve.
1. Very well indeed. Although I'd noticed that the individual haiku were not always syllabically 'perfect', I felt that the slight differentiations helped to unify the piece on the whole.
2. No. The strongest point of this poem, in my opinion, is its flow, which is very strong and just varied enough to keep from being monotonous. Well done.
3. Largely, yes. The only haiku I did not like overmuch was 'The future watches /Over me like a haunting /Shadow that looks grim'. The second line feels a bit forced. Beyond that, I liked them and they certainly made sense.
4. I have not, but then, I admit my poetry-related preferences are largely classical. It is by no means, however, too experimental. I quite enjoyed it, and I believe that other readers will as well.

Bravo.